LOS ANGELES, CA: Fans of Kermit and Friends have been titillated in recent weeks by swirling rumors that Molly McNearney, wife of legendary talk show host Jimmy Kimmel and writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live!, has been secretly working undercover with the expressed purpose of destroying the life of one Christopher Roy Dick, an unemployed, slow-witted conman in Federal Way, WA.
This speculation comes on the heels of renewed rumors that Natalie Maines, lead singer of the multi-platinum country pop group the Dixie Chicks, has spent most of 2015 trolling the Kermit and Friends chat room, again with the expressed purpose of seeing Delusional Dick locked up or otherwise compromised.
In recent days, these speculations have snowballed to include actor Justin Theroux, husband of Friends superstar Jennifer Aniston, many of the staff writers of Jimmy Kimmel Live! and even Kimmel himself; all are rumored to be trolling the chat room and stealing material from the discredited cousin-of-Tim Allen impostor to use as material on the Jimmy Kimmel Live! show.
Although Chowderhead Chris claimed on KaF Wednesday to have an impeccable built-in BS detector (“It takes a con man to know one” he began to say before realizing his mistake and changing it to “It takes a bullshitter to know one”, garbling his words even worse than usual), Detective Dick seems to have missed the newest, and most sinister rumor of all: That Kermit and Friends is really an incubator of video clips mined from the deranged and desperate, to air on an Elisa Jordana-hosted, Kimmel-produced ABC network program in fall of 2016. This show, the rumor goes, will be patterned after America’s Funniest Home Videos, but instead will feature rants, embarrassing singing and dancing, and delusional bouts of grandeur taken from the enormous storehouse of clips in Hi Definition in the Kermit and Friends archive. Adding kerosene to the fire, this rumor also says that Jordana and the writing/production staff are already being paid under contract by ABC, but that the clips of Chris, Corey, Frank and the rest will be used for free. If this rumor is true, it adds weight to Deducing Dick’s charge that the entire show is a conspiracy by the rich elite to humiliate the poor.
If any of these rumors were true, it would be DNN’s moral and ethical obligation to report it. The DNN newsteam duly went to work, but despite learning reams of information about Christopher Dick, it was unable to find a smoking gun linking any of the Kimmel crew to Kermit and Friends thusfar.
However, the broadcast of a segment on the Jimmy Kimmel Live! program has warranted a closer look at the charges. At question is a suspiciously titled segment called “Dick the Christmas Tick” An enraged Dick, who even became testy when John Mazza asked him to calm down, raged on Blab that the entire segment was about him. He noted that you need “Chris” to spell Christmas, and that his last name on some of his documents is “Dick”. He also noted that Dick the Tick was fat and obnoxious, just like he is. It appeared to be the smoking gun to vindicate the tubby tantrum-tosser and it even roped in Janet from CA, who declared her conviction in the theory twice on Twitter last night.
DNN hates to play the spoilsport, but here’s what happened. There is a Christmas season going on right now, and a lot of shows have Christmas segments. “Chris” has always been needed to spell “Christmas” (or more accurately, “Christ” has always been needed, unless you spell it Xmas). The tick carrying Lyme disease was not a dig at long-ago departed KaF-regular Sheila, but a reference to the latest news (where most Kimmel bits originate). Ticks have been imported into people’s homes via Christmas Trees.
“Dick” (a given name, not a surname) was probably chosen because it rhymes with “tick”. Kimmel’s writers opted for an easy rhyme, rather than attempting a DNN-esque alliteration. As for the tick being fat and obnoxious, lots of guys are fat and obnoxious; Chris Dick certainly does not have a monopoly on that.
If we apply the principle of Occam’s Razor, which states that the simplest explanation is usually the best explanation, the Kimmel segment doesn’t even reach the level of “coincidence”. It is a delusional reaction to confusing media images that is common among schizophrenics and other people suffering from mental distress.
Deluded Dick also seized upon another segment of Tuesday’s Kimmel show, in which a Captcha (which he kept calling a “Gotcha” in the Blab) appeared to spell out “Seederman”, scaring the bejeezus out of him. John Mazza, demonstrating poor reading skills, concurred that the Captcha did indeed spell out “Seederman”, before complaining about how hard it is to read Captchas, apparently forgetting that this is a staged bit. Dick reminded him that “seed” is spelled “s-e-a-d” and the two agreed in the end that it didn’t spell that. Once again, a delusional thought pattern in which a pre-conceived notion appears to be verified by a random piece of media seems to have occurred.
So, with a non-coincidental bit, and another bit two barely-literate fat guys misread, what is left to support the charges that Seederman is indeed Molly Kimmel? DNN, for the second time, points all sleuths in the direction of the Blab on which the rumor originated. Jimmy Linguini, barely able to contain his giggling to the point that he has to cover the camera lens, cooked it up on the spot for the gullible car salesman from Seattle. As one unidentified source put it, “only Chris is dumb enough to believe anything Linguini tells him” Linguini is not to blame completely however; DNN’s intensive investigation has discovered that chat room provocateur Forza had planted the seed in Jimmy’s head with a chat comment during the Blab, shortly before Jimmy tells Chris the secret. See for yourselves from the 1:17:30 mark:
So what does this all mean? It means nothing! There is no Kimmel staff, there is no rich conspiracy to humble the poor via Kaf, there is no secret show, there are no subliminal jokes about Chris on Jimmy Kimmel Live! DNN hopes this offers the Crybaby Conman the comfort he so desperately seeks, and will enable him to put it behind him so that it does not negatively impact his job hunt.