NEW FEATURE!!! ASK ‘K’ — December 11th

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Dear K,

Hi, I am a ho. Let’s just get that out of the way first. I’m married, mid 30’s, mother of 2 kids…not sure of their ages exactly, & I’m very wealthy. I’m a trust fund brat but I also married into money. My extramarital affairs all happen with men I meet on social media. I’m on my third victi..er…lover now. My husband recently found out about my whoring around and I fear he will cut off my finances. This cannot happen because I LOVE my lifestyle. Plus, I often use money to secure friendships and it’s the best pick up line ever. It’s, like, my game. My question is, how can I keep my husband funding my lifestyle?

Sincerely, Trap Queen

Trap Queen,

HO-ly shit, girl! Ho is definitely the appropriate term for you. Listen, you clearly suffer from daddy issues. Now, whether those issues stem from your daddy loving you way too much or your daddy not loving you enough, that’s something only you know. Given you are a trust fund brat (your words not mine), I’d say your daddy wasn’t around to love you much at all. Which, means you weren’t taught the value of your body or to respect yourself. Nothing wrong with throwing your vajayjay at anyone who stands still long enough. However, throwing it at guys you meet online raises the bar for skanks everywhere. Sounds to me like you’ve killed most of your brain cells if you don’t even know how many years ago your kids came out of the revolving door you have on your fuck hole. So, I’d say there’s not much hope for you. My advice is you start kicking down with the mouth hugs you freely give to internet men and give them to your husband. I mean, if you use money to lure guys to your hell hole than surely you’re not too good to suck the dick of the man giving you the money. Fair is fair, after all.

Dear K,

My wife is a bitch. She nags and tells me I’m a piece of shit. I don’t want to go through the bull shit of leaving her because she’ll make my life hell. If we split, it’s got to be her idea. Please, HELP ME.

Desperate to Ditch the Bitch

Dear Desperate to Ditch the Bitch,

Fuck her sister. If she doesn’t have a sister, fuck her mom, aunt, cousin, best friend. You get the idea. Good luck.

Dear K,

I’m 14, he’s 32. We are so similar and I think I’m in love, what should I do?

Secret Lover

Dear Secret Lover,

First of all, if his name is Honest Frank you need to call the authorities immediately and do NOT give him any money. Second, ew. Just fucking ew.

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