Tales From The Road – Crazy


I’ve seen stuff. Some of it I wish I never saw, some of it I wish I handled differently and some just made me shake my head. I have worked with bands on their way up, bands at the top and bands struggling to hold on to what was left of a once fantastic career. I have worked for childhood idols of mine and for legends no longer with us. Through all of this the strangest of all was someone you would never expect. I don’t name names but I am tempted to with him because he is no longer with us. I am tempted but I will refrain.

He tried to have me kill one of his ex girlfriends that he owed money to, attempted to inject me with heroin when I was busy talking him off of the ledge on the 26th floor of the hotel he was staying at and offered me 10 grand to have sex with 2 girls while he filmed it. I know what you are asking yourself, why did I stick with him? The truth is that I didn’t, this was all in a 48 hour period and was the only time I ever left a job unfinished. You would think I was working for Johnny Thunders but I wasn’t, he was as far from Johnny as possible… at least to the public.

Our first meeting was nothing but professional. He was a gentleman and seemed like the dream gig. It was first class travel and accommodations and no more than 3 shows a week. The job became available 3 days prior to the start of the tour due to illness and even though I had a vacation planned I decided I couldn’t pass it up. Hell, 4 days off a week would be like an extended vacation anyway. Beyond the relaxed schedule there was also the fact that most of the day to day work I would usually be responsible for would be handled by the management office back in New Jersey.

We had a 7 week co-headlining summer shed tour followed by 20 solo dates in Europe. I had a few friends on the co-headliner crew who were shocked to see me show up for the first date. Up until this point I had heard nothing but good things about my boss. The first whispers came from those friends and eventually from almost everyone involved with that tour. I had not seen any strange behavior myself but I was pretty good at tuning out the noise.

Things began to change as we headed to Europe. The crew was slimmed down and I would be in closer contact with my boss. We were having lunch in Bulgaria when he let me know that he loved to eat dirty pussy. I had no fair warning, one minute we were discussing the possibility of doing a TV appearance the following week and the next he told me about the “dirty pussy” fetish of his. Thankfully a fan interrupted the moment by asking for a photo and an autograph and I was able to steer the conversation back to safer waters.

He seemed to be getting more comfortable with me as the tour progressed, which meant he was letting his guard down more often. I was seeing more stuff that I didn’t want to see and I also saw how hard his personal assistant worked on keeping much of it unseen. You probably couldn’t get away with it these days with a camera in every hand but not too long ago it wasn’t that hard to hide the truth from fans and media. Things went off the rails when we arrived in Stockholm. He had an interview day at his hotel suite and he wanted me there as his bodyguard. I sat in a chair off camera as he proceeded to do interview after interview that day. Between interviews he would talk to me and the conversations got stranger as the day progressed. He started talking about his ex girlfriend Monica and how she was extorting him for 75 grand. He said he would love if someone just “took out the bitch” and then asked me what my price would be. I tried laughing it off but he continued probing to see if I would name a price. Thankfully the next interview was ushered in and I could process what just happened.

Next up we had a pair of girls from Germany who were scantily clad and part of a late night show that focused on the fun and titillating. Two minutes in and he was asking them if they would like to get it on with his bodyguard. Great, I now have become part of this. They playfully made their way over to my chair and sat on each side of me. He stood up and ordered the cameraman out of the suite. Once the room was cleared he made me the offer. He wanted to film me having sex with the two girls. The girls seemed scared and quickly dropped their playful act. He took out a pile of money and said it would be mine if I let him film me and the girls. I got out of the chair and told him we needed to talk and I walked him toward the balcony, giving the girls a chance to escape. He insisted he was just having a little fun, letting off some steam from a long tour. His assistant entered the room and announced we would cancel the rest of the interviews for the day and that I could go now.

Things seemed back to normal the next day and the show went off without incident. He didn’t mention anything and I did my job by not bringing it up. We had one more night at the hotel before flying out in the afternoon. My phone rang at 8:30am. It was the assistant begging me to come to the suite. It took me less than a minute to get there and to see my boss out on the balcony and looking ready to jump. I was told he had been mumbling incoherent nonsense for the last half hour and has been attempting to climb over the railing for the last ten minutes. I put myself at a distance where I knew I could reach him if he tried anything and began trying to talk to him. I couldn’t understand anything he was saying outside of the word “bitches” and knew I needed to get him back into the room so he could get help.

I jumped forward mid sentence and grabbed him under his right arm. He spun around and I felt something on my arm. He tried to stab me with a needle and missed, breaking the needle off the syringe in his attempt. My adrenaline kicked in and I pulled this large man back into the room and threw him down on his bed. He grabbed his pillow as protection and began crying in fear. The assistant was begging me to leave the room and I obliged, I needed to go cool off before I tore his head off.

About an hour later the assistant came to my room and asked how I wanted to handle this. I said I was done with this tour and was going to take advantage of being in Europe and head down to the French Riviera for a week. He told me he would talk to management and tell them I was ill and unable to finish the tour. Another mess swept up by the super assistant. I made my flight arrangements and was ready to head to the airport when the assistant came back and handed me an envelope with 5 grand in it. My silence was being bought and I really didn’t care. We shook hands and I headed off .

It was only when I returned home a few week later that I found out I was paid in full for the remainder of the tour, plus a 2 week bonus. It became very clear what kind of “illness” the person I replaced had and laughed to myself as I wondered how long it took the next person to get sick.

road dog