Tales From The Road – Mile High Fight Club


Never again. I said that last time I had to fly to Japan and here I am saying it again. We are however high an airplane is when flying over water and I am ready to open the emergency door and see if I can fly. My head is pounding, my knees seem locked and we are only half way there. I try offering a flight attendant a blank check to upgrade me to first class and save me from this hell. My left leg starts burning with the all too familiar sciatic pain. I wish I had paid attention when my ex girlfriend was trying to teach me how to meditate. I bet the singer has a sleeping pill he can give me. Nah, sleeping pills are for the weak minded who can’t deal with the situation on the own. I know, I will close my eyes and build a guitar in my mind. Wait a minute, what? Yeah, that’s it, I will build a guitar and focus all my energy into it.

I didn’t even get to attach the imaginary neck to the imaginary body when the screaming began. One of the support bands that we were travelling with were learning that it isn’t a good idea to mix pills, booze and air travel. The drummer was now running down the aisle, naked. A woman is screaming and he runs over to her and puts his hand over her mouth to try to shut her up. The woman goes into complete panic and is flailing her arms at him in an attempt to escape his grip. Another passenger 3 rows over decides he will help out and he proceeds to rip the drummer away and save the hysterical woman.

Two other members of the band see that and decide they will help out their drummer by attacking his attacker. I took off in the same direction to hold them off when someone else grabbed me from behind. I shook him off and got there as the two of them were pounding on the passenger. I yelled at them to stop and started separating them from their victim when I got hit in the back with a can of beer. The singer now had control of the service cart and was throwing everything he could get his hands on at us. Thankfully everything he had was mini and didn’t do much damage. It was anarchy in the air and I seemed to be the only one trying to restore sanity. Half the plane was screaming while the other half was hiding as best they could. I finally got them off the poor guy they were beating on and pulled them back to their seats. I went at the singer next and he thought I was playing a game of tag with him. He took off running for the front if the plane but didn’t make it more than 5 feet when he was clotheslined and hit the floor. He went down hard and was out cold. I am too old for this.

I spent the rest of the flight sitting beside these idiots so that they wouldn’t try anything else. They were going to be arrested when the plane landed and ruined their chance of ever playing Japan. I didn’t work for them so I really didn’t care, all I wanted to do is get off this plane and sleep. The flight attendants were going to collect statements from various passengers who were involved or witnessed what happened and all I could hope is that they saw the role I played in it and didn’t lump me in with these idiots.

The police didn’t waste any time getting to us and took the 4 of them off. They announced that the rest of us need to stay in our seats until they can come back and collect statements. I almost wished they took me with the other four, at least I would be out of this plane and back on land. Thankfully they were back in a matter of minutes and we were exiting the plane shortly thereafter. It took another 90 minutes before we were cleared to leave but I didn’t care, I was free.

road dog