The World According To Douche! – Cannes


Some of you just see me as a sex symbol but I am so much more! While you were lining up for some silly roller coaster I was sitting at The Carlton Hotel bar telling Robert De Niro about the Pizza Jambon-Oeuf I had the day before a few blocks away. A few minutes later we were piling into my rental car, bombing it down the tiny lanes they call streets and pounding on the door to the pizza place. A soccer match was in progress and they unofficially close during games to let the staff watch. Bobby wasn’t having any of that and an angry owner finally let us in after seeing who his VIP customer was… that’s right, it was me, Douche! Did this happen? Did this lead to me being an extra in Ronin? Who the hell knows! What it did is help me segue into letting you know about some sexy places to visit in and around Cannes.

Vieux Le Cannet – It’s a medieval village that still looks sexy! Douche! doesn’t really dig walking around old places because everything seems to be built for midgets but there are some great restaurants here with fantastic views. Rue Saint-Sauveur is where you want to head to eat.

Avenue Francis Tonner – If you want to get away from La Croisette and all the fancy people this is your best bet. This is where the locals shop and eat during the off season. Prices aren’t as jacked up but the tourists are slowly taking over. Come here in the winter months and it is just you and the locals.

Iles de Lerins – It’s a bunch of islands a short boat trip from Cannes. Head to St Marguerite and check out the museum with shipwreck stuff. The Man with the Iron Mask was held in a cell here too and geeky people seem to like visiting that. There is also Ile St Honorat which is an island filled with monks.

Choochoo – Take the train to Monte Carlo for the day if you really want to see people rub their wealth into your little poverty stricken face. You could always just make the 45 minute trip to Monaco and get right back on the train and head back. Lots of sexy views you can’t get even by driving the route.

Ventimiglia – Yes, it is in Italy, right over the border. It’s about an hour by car or train and can be done on the same day as Monaco. The Friday market is a thing of beauty, with sexy meat hanging everywhere!

Le Suquet – This is about as touristy as I will get. It’s the old quarter of Cannes. I head to Marché Forville Sunday mornings and usually end up buying basil. Why basil? Not sure, it may be a tick I have. I mean there is so much to choose from but I end up buying basil. What’s wrong with me? Ok, one time I bought some sexy juice they were making but usually I end up buying basil. If it is tourist season I would go to Marché Gambetta more often than Forville. Gambetta has some very sexy butchers there that sell chickens with heads and feets still on. Oh right, this was about Le Suquet. As you were.

Gusto Italiano – I started off by mentioning pizza and this place is my favorite. That freaking pizza oil is a must, slap it all over your pizza. Pizza Jambon-Oeuf is probably my favorite. It’s ham and egg and it is fanfreakingtastic with the oil. It’s called Huile d’olive Provençale or Provencal Olive Oil in English and it is a life changing experience.

Pizza Jambon-Oeuf